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Current Music:Doing the Unstuck - The Cure
Current Location:Home Office
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Subject:Fuck this.
Time:12:09 pm
Current Mood:accomplished
It's been quite some time since I've written in this journal.  I stopped because I was being haunted by people who just refused to let me move on.

So I did.  I moved on to myspace... I moved on to facebook...  I even tried building myself a place, but that one doesn't function half as well as this one does.  Welcome me back livejournal, I've missed you.  You've always been just about the words, no gobbledygook about broadcasting, or publishing, or marketing, or audience, or anything stupid like that.  You've always been just about the words.  And the feelings.

It's time to get back to basics.... we're nearing completion on production of Season III, and it's time.

I didn't imagine in the begining how extremely big this story would become, or how many people it would touch, in what ways, least of all me.

I'm a changed woman, but I'm also a woman who understands just WHAT has changed.

And all it's been has been my perspective.  I can't wait to start sharing it again here.

I have a hangover right now tho... so it'll have to wait till later.  Just was antsy to get started.
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Current Music:Fairground - Simply Red
Current Location:Office
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Time:05:41 pm
Current Mood:accomplished
So today marked the first business (read BUSYness) day of 2009. I had tried to get on the wagon last week, to no avail.

So I set out this morning to do my stuff, and do it I did, including 5 years worth of taxes for me and Kevin (10 returns in all, 10 schedule 1s, 4 schedule 8s, 10 scehdule ON428's, 10 schedule ON479's, countless meaningless calculations, and several forms filled out for no reason cause I wasn't entitled to the amount)

PHEW!

Load off my back... I should be able to tap it out a little easier now. I'm also happy to report that I spent the entire day in the resource centre and only stopped for a smoke once. Considering I would have gone through at least 15 smokes at home in that time, I'd say that's an accomplishment. I also waited till the afternoon so indulge my other habit, without losing my mind, and that's a coup too.

So now that I've made some progress on those fronts, back to the other fronts. My proposal writing isn't coming along terribly well, and I think that's cause of my environment. I got alot done in the time I was at the centre, alot more than I would have if I'd been home. So, methinks I'm gonna make a habit out of going to the resource centre every Monday... if I can get all those forms filled out in that time, imagine how many proposals I could write....

If I ever get the damned materials finished, and I'm running a little behind. I'll be catching up later tonite. I've also resolved to spend my Law & Order time writing instead of watching... I learn alot, but I get nothing done... and besides, it's quiet in the house at that time.

I'm having to alter my schedule somewhat to accomodate our activities we've planned for the next three months. I'm going to be out several nights of the week, and being a homebody that falls asleep on the couch at 10 pm just won't do.

And I've got a practice schedule :) I'm so happy with it, it's a pace I can take, but it's also such a reward because now I get to start the learning curve over again. When I started singing way back when, I could sing (or you could tell I had talent) and it's taken me several years, but I know my voice is now so well trained it can do whatever I ask it to.. within it's limits, and I now have a firm grasp on where those are, and the funnest part? I set them.

With the dancing.... oh, it doesn't just look fun, it IS fun, and I know I have talent... I'm looking so forward to training it to see what it looks like when I'm done. Now that I've been on this trip already, I have confidence that with persistence and practice I will sound exactly the way I want to... so I don't need to get frustrated with myself along the way.

And speaking of little frustrations, I was so surprised to come home and find Kevin had been busy too! He finished the preview for our Little Monsters segments, which will be hosted by Frances and her friend Tina this year.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=3HIiz0xW_fM

Hahaha... now there are two of us.....
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Subject:Goodbye
Time:01:11 am
Current Mood:contentcontent

I don't want to say goodbye
but you make me want to cry
this fire you've lit inside my chest
just won't let me find my rest

So I drink your words of ice
and throw around some funeral rice
Dance to the song that once was ours
and sit and wait and count the hours

My tears burn hot on my cheeks
leaving red, searing, hot, wet, streaks
filling up my empty bleeding heart
tearing our whole world apart

Shattered glass sand on the floor
I walk barefoot out of your door
Breathing in a heavy sigh
I don't want to say goodbye.

So don't make me.

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Current Music:Burn - The Cure
Current Location:The Office, my favorite place to be
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Subject:Lyrics...
Time:02:24 am
Current Mood:contentcontent
Scrub you from my skin...Purge you from within...

Yes yes yes... I think about you all the time... 
didn't you know?  
You're the only one out there who exists for me... 
I have no body else... So?

Ahhhh... another day, another mountain.  

Training and rehearsals are going well, I can now sing with the best of them.  In the last few days I have covered everyone from 30 seconds to mars to Stevie Nicks, to Les Miz, to Queen, to all over the goddamned place.  There are now a gazillion things Tammie can do with her throat.  I can't wait to show you.  I'm on silence till tomorrow night, cause my voice just can't take 8 hours of singing a day (no matter how much water I drink), and even contemplate giving a performance of any kind.  And I do intend to put on a show...... *giggles*  So you'll just have to watch A do LA while I get my act together...

Other than that... PHYTE LAUNCHES TOMORROW!!!!!!!! 

*giggles*

it should be noted that I am also sticking my tongue out at all the nay sayers out there who have been so sweet as to provide me traffic and content that made for the worst television I've ever seen.  You even said so yourselves.

My thanks to you Roadie, for checking in on me tonite... when're you comin on my show anyways? *giggles*

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Current Music:Time Warp - Rocky Horror Picture Show
Current Location:The Office
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Subject:Chasing my tail...
Time:08:58 am
Current Mood:contentcontent
Yes, I had planned on singing for the guys last night, C hasn't been around to practice lately, he's been sick, and he finally showed last night, but  unfortunately, Peach had to work overtime (again... the guy's running on empty, you can tell).  Gerry had to be home early, and there you have it....SNAFU.

Not to mention that when I had the guys just listen to what I had practiced to sing them the noise was unbelieveable.. they hated it.  *giggles*.... It wasn't heavy enough for them....  hehe...

I was somewhat disappointed, as I had pushed myself further than I ever thought I could... or Kevin's pushed me, or the band's pushed me, either way, I now have an adam's apple for goddsakes.  I made the most of the time yesterday, trying to tune myself to them.  The register I'm having to use just to tune myself to them is so deep, it 's insane.  It's good that I get to sit with them and just hum, I could really feel my throat opening up last night, and I'm managing some pretty loud vibrations, I can feel it in my lips, teeth, and nose.

I've also found my new best friend.  Cloraseptic Lemon and honey spray.  I've found that I hold back because I'm afraid to injure myself, and the anasthetic effect helps me past that hump (I don't feel an initial jolt of pain and pull back).  For those of you concerned with my substance use, I use half the recommended dosage, over twice the recommended period.

More substance later, I have to get to work.

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Current Location:The office... dammit.
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Subject:The fur's flying over here!!!
Time:02:21 am
Current Mood:contentcontent

As some of you may or may not know, I am the crazy cat lady you have all heard about.

I currently have nine (yes, nine) cats living in my home.  The majority of which are ktitens.  You can't turn a corner in my house without running into a kitten.  Makes it very difficult to remain angry in this house for any amount of time.

While kittems are cute as hell, they are also a big bundle of pain in the ass.

Aside from the various mounds of kitten shit we frequently run into (we're thinking of doing a documentary on the creative places they have chosen to do this), I have twice found one trying to hang himself from the curtains.  I just spent the last half an hour trying to surgically remove one from my hallway curtains.  I'm happy to report the kitten is fine, and the circulation to his lower extremities is now restored.  My curtains didn't fare so well.  They're more like tea curtains now.

Poor little kitty, he was clawing and biting me the whole way, but between Kevin and I, we managed to hold him down long enough to get the procedure completed, didn't help that we had to attempt it twice, as we'd missed  a piece of string that had cut into his leg the first time around.

Funny how animals tend to bite the very hands that are trying to help them, but seeing as he's now curled up comfy on our bed, I think he's figured out which side of the bread his butter is on.

G'nite folks.






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Current Music:The Kill - 30stm
Current Location:The Office... god, where else...
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Subject:Everyone fails their first jump...
Time:11:03 am
Current Mood:contentcontent

In order to perform, there are so many things you have to let go of, and leave at the door.  Self doubt being the main thing.

You can't perform, in any fashion, or quality... if you doubt that you can do it.

At the beginning of this whole expedition, I had an unwavering self-confidence.  Whether or not I had (or have) the abilities to carry off a performance is irrelevant.  William Hung taught us that.

I don't want to perform to be a laughing stock obviously.  Nobody does.  Performers give everything they have and then some to an audience... as is obvious from the lack of comments on this site, not everyone has the balls to open their mouth and say something.  

I didnt't manage to open my mouth tonite, but I have a better understanding of why.  But right now, I need to go to bed.

Hehehe... Chris drove me home tonite, he got me in two minutes earlier than Shawn did *giggles*.....11:05....

Timmy's and donuts in hand.... ahhhhhhhhh............... sweeeeeeeeeeeeeeetttttttt...........................




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Current Music:Don't come around here no more - Tom Petty
Current Location:The office
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Subject:Argh...
Time:11:42 pm
Current Mood:contentcontent
Kitten shit.  I just stepped in kitten shit.

That is all.... *giggles*
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Current Music:Obstacle - Interpol
Current Location:The Office
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Subject:Itching to open my mouth...
Time:07:49 pm
Current Mood:contentcontent
Another day... another million tasks, but I'm getting there.  We're in the final sprint on alot of things, my legs are picking up speed, and I'm hitting the pavement running.

Every day brings new challenges.  We had a very difficult weekend, the stress is starting to get to the both of us, and we are feeling fatigued, but then just when we both felt (Kevin and I) that we had nothing left, we find it again in each other.  I will always marvel at how much I can learn from this wonderful man who shares my life.

It's difficult to process all the different happenings going on around me, and Saturday I hit a plateau.  I spent most of the day crying, feeling completely worthless and empty, quite frankly, wanting to die.  Kevin held me for most of the morning, rubbing my back, singing to me, comforting me.   The reasons for my crying fit aside, despite that it was both difficult to witness and bear, we are here on the other side of it, all the stronger for it.

It is always darkest before the dawn, but if we do not press forward we will not see the light.

I went out to The Spot Saturday night.  Despite my protests, Kevin insisted I head out, while he stayed home with the kids.  When I got home, my spirits renewed (an hour and a half of walking and spending time with the guys is so cathartic, and they're so damned sweet to me), supper was waiting for me in the micro wave, and the house was completely clean, the babies tucked in bed.  We spent a wonderful evening hanging out together, something we haven't done in a long time because we've been working pretty much 24/7 since... well... what seems like forever.

I spent most of today rehearsing, I'm hoping to sing tomorrow night.  I'm really nervous, but I know it has to be done, and I might as well get it over with.  Got my song, got my inspiration... nothing left to do now but open my mouth.

I'll let you all know how it goes.
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Current Music:32 flavors - Alanna Davis
Current Location:The Office
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Subject:And you miss... are no lady.
Time:09:32 am
Current Mood:curiouscurious
Ah.... the joys of hanging out with a bunch of guys.

It never dawned on me until last night what kind of boundaries I'm pushing here, for myself, as well as those around me.  This I think of on the toilet yesterday.

You see, the washrooms at The Spot are... well, substandard at best.  I don't wanna sound like a princess, cause I don't complain, and I use the facilities anyways, but... The girls washrooms are out of order (have been since I've been going there), and the boys washroom... has one stall with no lock, and rarely any toilet paper....  and well, it's hard to tell when someone last used a sponge in that place.  And then there's the all wonderful guys talking to me over the stall.  Nothing quite as unnerving as someone trying to pick you up through a bathroom stall while you're trying to pee (this also made me consider taking an escort with me from now on, but I simply resolved to always wear my combat boots to The Spot, as well as keep my hands free... hard to do when you're holding the door closed and the roll of toilet paper in the other... thank god I'm a mother and have octopus arms...I managed).

So I start to think about the differences between boys and girls.............

I never really gave any thought to my being a woman being any kind of issue.  I've always believed that when it came down to business, there are no differences other than the obvious.  I'm just as strong as any man (hehe... got compliments yesterday...."no, I wouldn't wanna mess with you in an alley"), smart, fast, furious, ballsy......but ignoring the obvious doesn't do anything to fix it... no matter what I might think, the guys don't perceive me the same way as each other.  Their perception is first and foremost... I'm a girl...  and all that that entails.

Gentlemen that they are, they always have toilet paper for me, The Spot has been cleaner since we've been hanging there, they take good care of me... Shawn god love him, even walked me home yesterday....  took me on the scenic route which was really nice, and got me in the door in time for curfew (yes, I have a curfew, and it's important, and it's not cause I'm a girl, it's cause I'm a wife and mother).

The fact that I'm a girl automatically sets off a protective instinct in guys right off the bat.  This in return causes them to shelter me, sometimes even from myself, and especially from each other..... and make judgements that I must then dispell.  

The fact is, the world of Rock and roll is dominated by men.  Don't even try to tell me otherwise, cause if you spend any amount of time where Rock and roll is being played, you will notice that there are men at the healm, and women are the groupies.  I've never heard of a guy referred to as a groupie, no matter how many Joplins, Nicks'es, Lennox'es, Hynde's, have made their mark on Rock 'n Roll.  It's hard to dispel that, without shedding my femininity.

Part of my femininity includes some pretty strong emotions, the same ones the guys have, except they internalize them, and express them through their music.  I have never learned to do this with my emotions, although I'm learning.   Another difference between me and the guys, they have instruments... all I have is me.  Brain, lungs, mouth....  words.  I have lots of words.

These are the lyrics I wrote the other day,  I realize they are a tad angry, and they are meant to be.  As a writer, it is sometimes difficult to help people understand that what I write is not necessarily what I live.  "Artists use lies to tell the truth" - V for Vendetta.  Indeed.  I wrote them as I said yesterday, as an observation on the primal nature of the male/female relationship... NOT as a statement about my life, or anything in it..... really.  They don't reflect how I really feel, except for how I felt when I wrote them.  They are a picture of emotions that I had, at one moment in time, inspired by another moment in time.

They're not finished, there's no chorus, and they don't have a name yet.... 

I'm so fucked up inside my head,
I don't know what to say,
I caught myself wishing I was dead the other day.

I think you know my secret,
you must see what I am.
Either way, it's very clear, that you don't give a damn.

I was born into bondage,
I'm breaking through my chains.
But there are times, I just find, I cannot stand the pain.

So lie to me and give me more,
you know what I want.
Say you love me, puke the words, and then fill up my cunt.

Push me, pull me, fill me up,
Break me if you can.
If you don't, you'll never know if you're a real man.

You couldn't stand to be me,
even if you tried.
Maybe we'd be better off if I just fucking died.

But then you'd miss the drama,
all waiting to unfold.
It's all a lie, there's no such thing, as to have and to hold.










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[icon] anterockstar
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