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[icon] Die to be a hero someday... - anterockstar
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Subject:Die to be a hero someday...
Time:11:50 am
Current Mood:contentcontent
...But don't die to be a celebrity - Kevin Bacon in Flatliners

Don't worry, I'm not dying, nowhere near it.

Since I've been pursuing this project, there have been some pretty extreme changes in my life.  I've encountered circumstances and situations that are new to me, and for which, although I'd fantasized about them many times, never had to face.  Like I said in Episode II, fantasy is much different than reality.

The reality is I'm trying to achieve celebrity.  I'm turning myself into a marketable commodity, one that will (or so the theory goes) command a large amount of attention (hopefully) from the general public.  

I'm supposing I've been somewhat successful, as I've had an encounter with an audience member.  A complete stranger, who knew who I was.  To tell the truth... it was disturbing.

Disturbing because for the most part, strangers aren't supposed to know more about you than you know about them.  The scales in the equation are completely tipped, and it's scary.  If knowledge is power, then in that instance, I become completely powerless.  It's a very disturbing feeling, especially given the amount of flack I'm having to put up with.  I probably came across as a cold bitch to this guy, unlike my normally warm and friendly self.  I just gave him a polite greeting, and went and hid in a corner for the rest of the evening.

It's hard to explain why I reacted that way... fear would be one reason (why does this person want to talk to me, and what do they want?).  The introvert in me (yes, there is one) just came out with a vengeance, I suppose as some sort of defense mechanism, but... against what?

Why would the public at large want to do me harm?  lol... if you've been reading the comments on my blog, you probably know that there are members of the public at large who want to do me harm.   They pretend to know what I'm all about, what I'm trying to do, and are intent on stopping me.  Some will even tell you it's for my benefit.   So they sit there tearing away at me, like a pack of daws.

And then there are those who simply want to offer encouragement, kudos, and show their admiration.  

The problem is, you never know which one is hiding behind the face you've just met, the one who knows your name, but you don't know theirs.   Even bigger problem is.... you don't know which one is hiding behind the face that calls itself friend.

The proof is in the pudding

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(Anonymous)
Link:(Link)
Time:2006-08-13 04:29 pm (UTC)
"The reality ... I'm turning myself into a marketable commodity, one that will (or so the theory goes) command a large amount of attention (hopefully) from the general public."

Why, Tammie? If through a malignant miracle you succeeded, you would then become "a commodity", bought and sold at the whim and evaluation of others. It has been asked why the rock business is so dangerous to those who succeed, and perhaps, quicker than most, you have put your finger on the answer. The Joplin's, the Hendrix's, the Kobain's and others must have woken up one day feeling that the thing --the commodity-- they had become had followed the cycle of all things, and it was time for the junk pile.

"I'm supposing I've been somewhat successful, as I've had an encounter with an audience member. A complete stranger, who knew who I was. To tell the truth... it was disturbing. [...] It's hard to explain why I reacted that way..."

But you understand it very well! The "wallflower", the shy girl who suddenly finds it hard to perform even for a restricted and apparently sympathetic audience, is more than just a part of yourself. She is your true self, her presence continuous all the way back to that playhouse in one of the videos. She has been invisible recently, buried under toxic layers, mute and immobilized but very much alive. A couple of times you have used the expression "with a vengeance" when referring to her. If she is left unattended much longer, she will indeed reappear "with a vengeace", to wreak destruction on the usurping fantasy now at the controls. The reasons for one's existence remain mysterious, but she knows that this is not the one.

The problem is that her reappearance will likely feel like madness, because that is what sanity feels like when it returns from a detour. If it happens, do not despair. Seek help if you need to, and always know that you are loved.

(Reply) (Thread)


anterockstar
Subject:Finally...
Link:(Link)
Time:2006-08-13 10:38 pm (UTC)
Someone with whom I can have intelligent discourse on here.

Before I reply, I would like you to know that I have a fair idea of who you are... after all, this is not the first time you have appeared as a figment of the imagination. I am glad that our meeting left you with such an impression... the feeling is wholly mutual. I appreciate your comments tremendously, and respect your opinion.... I share mine here because of that respect.

I believe we are all marketable commodities to a degree, as we are all bound by our physical needs, and given the confines of our societal constructs, are forced into labors, sometimes not of our choosing. I am choosing to pursue this avenue of marketability for many reasons, so many it is difficult to express in one missive.

I am hoping to demonstrate to the population at large that it is possible to break the chains we feel are imposed on us by those well meaning souls who want only our existance. Free will is our God given gift, and there are too many who are blind to their own will, hiding their light under a bushel so to speak. I meet them every day. Performing is something I *want* to do. It's also not the only thing I *can* do, nor the only thing I am doing at the moment... It's the only thing I'm showing... but I have my reasons for hiding some things too...

I have no intention of pursuing rock stardom... after I have achieved it. I am the Ante-Rockstar after all. I have no doubt that this project will afford me some degree of celebrity at some point, however, to my mind, that by-product will simply allow me the opportunity to reach a wider audience than I otherwise would have. It is to my advantage.. yes. It is also to the advantage of the billions who inhabit this planet who are without hope. Grand aspirations I know... but someone has to, otherwise there is no hope.

My audience to date, for the most part, have not been sympathetic. I have been openly ridiculed, mocked, betrayed, and attacked by people who I thought were friends, therefore it is difficult for me to overcome the scorn of the vocal few, in order to affect the silent many. I have faith that there are those out there, who understand what I am doing, admire me for it, and offer their encouragement. It is this that I cling to as I push forward.

The shy girl you refer to is indeed a true part of me, but she is just a part. We all carry both sides of the equation within us.... every thing in existance has both a positive, and a negative charge. To deny any other aspect of myself for the sake of that wallflower would do even her a serious injustice, for there would be no one left to attend to her. The only reason she exists at all is because of the cold hard headed bitch who watches her back, and vice versa.... Achieving balance between the two.... that's the trick now isn't it?

(Reply) (Parent) (Thread)

(Anonymous)
Subject:Re: Finally...
Link:(Link)
Time:2006-08-14 02:44 am (UTC)
We'll talk again, more privately, when we return in a couple of weeks. In the meantime, please don't harden positions too quickly: we are not debating you --if this were a debate, we know we would lose.
We do not wish you luck with your business, but we wish you the best under the circumstances in everything else.
Take care of yourself, and give hugs to the rest of the family.
(Reply) (Parent) (Thread)


anterockstar
Subject:Re: Finally...
Link:(Link)
Time:2006-08-14 03:46 am (UTC)
if this were a debate, we know we would lose.

Ok, now you're just buttering me up.... *giggles*

We love you guys, and my position is hardened. You are my family.

We're doing better every day... Please don't worry.... too much. :o)

(Reply) (Parent) (Thread)

[icon] Die to be a hero someday... - anterockstar
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